Second Chances: A JoVan Tale
by RamblerRomace
Summary: A collection of short stories focused around John and Evangeline. Some scenes are new, but other scenes are rewritten to let the reader imagine what would have happened if John and Evangeline were given a real chance. The stories do not appear in order according to the timeline.
1. California Dreaming

**Scene setup:**

John invited Natalie back to his room to watch a movie with him while Evangeline is out of town. They end up playing a card game and Natalie confesses that she still loves John. When she asks John about his feelings for Evangeline, she gets an unexpected response.

* * *

John tried not to let the surprise show on his face. This evening hadn't turned out at all like he'd expected. He'd invited Natalie over to cheer her up since she'd seemed so down, but this seemed more like an ambush.

"Am I in love with Evangeline? That's what you're asking?" John wiped his hand down his face and took in a long deep breath. "Natalie," he stared into her sad blue eyes as she patiently awaited his response. After a few seconds of silence, he noticed her calm demeanor starting to waver.

Natalie laughed nervously to break the tension. "My gosh, John, it's really not that big of a deal." She knew John, or at least she wanted to say that she did, and his silence was par for the course. He hadn't made any declarations, though, so she still felt pretty good about this evening.

To Natalie, John had been a life saver. Sure, he shared some responsibility in Cristian's death, but they had a connection that no one could deny. She pushed him away and now he was with Evangeline. He was with her and he seemed happy. It more than irked her that her relationship had failed and Evangeline's relationship with John had flourished.

"Natalie," John's words brought her attention back to the present, "my relationship with Evangeline is none of your business." John had taken a few moments to think about it, but he hadn't found a nicer way to frame his statement. "We gave it a shot, you know? We tried, but there was Cristian, and there was Caitlyn, and more importantly there was us."

Natalie could feel the blush rising to her cheeks. She held back her tears. She wouldn't go storming out of here like an embarrassed little girl. "John," she started but he interrupted.

"I heard what you said before, and I really wasn't planning on getting that deep tonight." His smile was still warm, but it didn't ease Natalie's pain. He wasn't trying to hurt her, but he knew that she needed to hear this. She deserved better than that.

"Were you planning on getting deep any night?" Natalie snapped back unintentionally. She was hurt and lashing out is how she fought off the heartache.

"Don't do that." John tilted his head to the side and tried get her to look at him. "Look, you just got out of this thing with Cramer. That's gotta be rough, but that's how it is sometimes, I guess."

Natalie was about to lay into him when there was a knock that interrupted them. "Hey John, it's Evangeline." Natalie watched with a painful expression as John answered the door.

John felt sick to his stomach, but he couldn't exactly understand why. He'd missed Evangeline and was excited, which was rare for him, to hear from her. He pulled the door open gently and smiled down at her. Her bright smile only made him feel worse.

"Hey, I came back a day early." Evangeline leaned in and kissed him deeply. She'd been thinking about doing that since she boarded the plane to San Francisco. When she finally pulled away from him, she noticed the conflicted look in his eyes. Then she saw Natalie sitting on the edge of his bed. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company. I'll go." Evangeline felt like an idiot. She turned to leave, but John grabbed her arm.

"Wait, don't go." John knew he wouldn't be able to say the right words, but he didn't want to chase her away either.

"No, no. I don't want to interrupt. Just call me when you're available." Evangeline didn't have to pull away from him. His grip had not been to restrain her. She rushed off in an attempt to hide her embarrassment.

John watched her walk away and felt like he'd been punched in the gut. 'Just keep it simple' those had been her words when they were trying to define their relationship early on. Turns out they'd both ignored that one simple rule.

When the pain was too much to bear, John looked over his shoulder at Natalie. She looked like she wanted to bolt out of here too. John would make it easy for her. He smiled at her regrettably and started after Evangeline.

Evangeline was standing near a trashcan in Angel's Square when John finally caught up to her. He could have caught up to her sooner but they both needed a few minutes alone.

"Evangeline…Evangeline!" John had to call to her twice to grab her attention. Evangeline turned to face him with tears glistening in her eyes. "I thought you were coming back tomorrow." That was John's apology.

"I should have called first. I wanted to surprise you. I missed you while I was gone." Evangeline hated how she sounded. She was supposed to be the tough girl but seeing John with Natalie in such an intimate setting had really shaken her. It wasn't like they were exclusive or anything. She was the one who suggested that they "keep things simple."

"I missed you too." John was also holding back tears. "Natalie was just keeping me company." That didn't come out the way John had intended. "It was just two friends hanging out," he restated, but that wasn't exactly true. Natalie was in love and expecting him to be as well.

"I believe you," Evangeline lied hoping that agreeing would end the conversation faster. "Even if I didn't, no strings right?" Evangeline was cursing her need to be in control. Their whirlwind romance had overwhelmed her, and she had instinctively put up walls to protect her heart.

John nodded mutely. This wasn't how he wanted this conversation to go. "You want to come back to my place and talk?"

"No," Evangeline blurted out too quickly, "I'm really tired and I should just go home." Evangeline knew they would end up in bed if they went back to his place. She wasn't comfortable with their no strings relationship anymore and sooner, rather than later, she would have to tell John. She needed time alone to find the right way to say it too him.

John just nodded. He wouldn't fight her. He closed the distance between them never breaking eye contact wit her. He rested his forehead on hers and tried to steady his breathing. He stroked the side of her face tenderly before pulling her into a gentle kiss. "I missed you."

Now it was his turn to rush off. When he got back to his room, Natalie was still there. She still had the same shell-shocked look on her face. He folded his arms across his chest and stood so the door would not shut behind him. "Natalie, what I have with Evangeline is new, and I'm not looking to screw that up. What you feel for me, I don't feel for you."


	2. Savior

**Scene setup:**

During the KCK storyline, John shows up to Evangeline's apartment. He is intoxicated and ready to bear his soul to her, or so he thinks. After she rebuffs his advances, he starts to tell her everything, but he can't get the words out.

* * *

Evangeline sat next to John on the ottoman facing her sofa. She could smell the alcohol on his breath. She could taste it from when he'd kissed her earlier. She was calmer now, but part of her wanted to let him take her to the bedroom and put them both out of their misery.

John wouldn't look over at her. This had been the second time that she'd rejected him. She wasn't playing hard to get. She wasn't playing at all. If John couldn't get over himself, he would lose her for good.

He'd had more than a few drinks to loosen himself up before coming here. The words that he'd wanted to say… the speech that he'd prepared…all of that was gone now. He needed to make her understand, but he didn't know how he could make that happen.

"John, I want to help you." Evangeline held back from touching him. She knew he was in pain, but she was in pain too. She still loved him and probably always would. Never would she have imagined that she would have such a deep connection with someone like John. He wasn't what she'd dreamed of when she thought of her happily ever after and, now, she couldn't imagine a happily ever after without him.

"I have never told anyone. Never told a soul." John's simple words were all he offered for a few minutes.

"Is this something to do with Caitlyn?" Evangeline looked over at him and he turned away from her. She was starting to get pissed. "Do you want my help or not?" She wasn't about to sit here and play twenty questions with him ignoring her. "Is this something from before that? Something with your mom or dad? From when you were a kid?"

"This isn't the witness stand!" John shouted louder than he'd intended. "Questions. All the time with questions." John stood and started to pace.

"John, I'm trying to help." She watched as he spun around to face her. The tormented and anguished look on his face were not like she'd seen before. He wasn't a man standing before her. He was a scared little kid.

"You can't help me." John's brain was fighting with itself. He was here to tell her everything. He was tired and alone. He was tired of being alone. Evangeline had awakened something inside him that he hadn't felt in years. Decades. She was the one who could finally help him exorcise his demons, but he was fighting her. He knew it wouldn't be as simple as telling her everything. She would be the woman he needed, but it would come at a cost that John wasn't sure he could afford.

"Then what are you doing here." Evangeline watched him. Studied him. She was a defense attorney, but she'd seen the law applied from both sides of the bench. She'd handled all types of cases and studied human behavior. That was part of the foundation of her success.

John stood facing her with his hands on his hips. He contemplated just saying it. What would happen if he just blurted out the truth and then fell into her arms? Would she welcome him lovingly or look at him with disgust? Would he still be a man in her eyes?

Evangeline bit down on her lip hard. As much as she loved him, she could not do this for him. She needed him to give her something, anything, a clue to help her. She thought for a while about their time together. She tried to quickly analyze everything he'd ever said to her. "John, I know it was hard after your dad died and you, as a little boy, were trying to fill some big shoes."

"Why are you bring this up?! You have no idea what you are talking about! You don't know what I. HAVE. BEEN. THROUGH! What he did," John pointed an accusatory finger at her as tears streamed down his face. He was starting to lose it now. He needed to leave before one of them got hurt or he said too much.

Evangeline put her hands up as if she were surrendering. Her questions from before and her statement now were her way of gathering information. The conclusion that she'd reached was not based only on this short interaction. They'd been close and shared more than just a bed.

She stared at him now and so much made sense now. All their late-night conversations and his avoidance of his past had nothing to do with Caitlyn. What happened to him was before she came along, but she could understand John's attraction to her. She was speculating still and probably would never get a straight answer from John. This shameful and humiliating secret would likely be one that he took to his grave.

John's mother was left with few options after her husband passed and she was left with little money to care for her two young sons. John had not ever brought it up, but Michael had told her before that John had spent a lot of time at the church with their priest. For Eve, it was free babysitting that she desperately needed. Michael joked that he thought John would become a priest. He probably wouldn't have made the joke if he knew the truth. John was just a kid, but he wanted to help his mother take care of the household. According to Michael, the priest helped him find side jobs that gave him money and were designed to keep him out of trouble.

She'd ignored the clue before remembering how determined John said he'd been to make sure his mom could pay all the bills. She just didn't realize he'd started so young. For Evangeline, that was the red flag. A Catholic priest with near unlimited access to a young boy from a troubled home. The true scope of those scandals still hadn't fully played out. The thought of someone taking advantage of him, a child, when he was at his lowest was more than she could bear. Her heart ached for John.

She loved him, but his situation was no different than the dozens of abuse cases that she handled for the battered women's shelter. The first steps to healing were to acknowledge the problem and forgive yourself, and John was not there yet. Evangeline could imagine that John was still in denial. Despite his best attempt to hide it, John's secret had been guessed by Evangeline. Though, she would keep it to her self. If he wasn't ready, would be doing more harm than good bringing it up?

For a man that was intoxicated, John was having quite a few moments of clarity. He knew that Evangeline loved him and why she walked way. He pushed her to it. He couldn't help himself. He wasn't ready to be vulnerable again and that's why he was so drawn to Natalie. They had some stuff in common, but she didn't get him. She didn't know him like Evangeline did. She didn't love him like Evangeline did. She was happy to accept John as he was and never to push him to be a stronger, better person. If he was damaged, like she was, they would always find solace in each other. She was drawn to the drama because John was. He protected her and she didn't know the real reason why.

"John, I don't think you're ready for this, and I don't think that you want me to be the one to help you. You need someone to help you." Evangeline was pleading with him. She wondered if John's mother knew. She wondered but knew that it was highly unlikely. She doubted that more people knew than John and the man who victimized him.

John's subconscious had left enough breadcrumbs for Evangeline to figure out the truth. He was tired of keeping this secret. Those clues with Mike's penchant for sharing embarrassing childhood stories had probably been more than enough for Evangeline to figure out the truth. She was brilliant after all. John was sobered at the thought that she already knew. He avoided looking her in the eyes now. The thought of his secret finally being revealed gave him no relief. But, if she knew, why hadn't she said anything?

John could only shrug in response. If he wasn't going to talk, there was no point in him staying, but he couldn't bring himself to leave. He didn't have the strength to say what needed to be said. He needed Evangeline to be there for him. To make him tell her what was going on. He knew there was a good chance that she would make him leave. She'd tried before to force John to say what he was feeling and that's why they weren't together now. He'd shot himself in the foot with that one.

Evangeline shrugged back at John. She was angry and tired. She knew the pain that he felt inside was something that should have been resolved by now. Instead of dealing with his pain, he'd let it consume him. Now, he stood before him, and he seemed to be asking for help. Every time she got close, John would lash out at her. Evangeline was tough, but she could only take so much. Because she loved him, she would try one last time. After that, John would have to manage his demons on his own.

Evangeline sat down on the sofa and let out a heavy sigh. She didn't even know where she was supposed to start. John needed a professional, and now was the worst time to start wrestling with his past. Natalie still wasn't safe and if anything distracted John from finding her he'd blame himself.

Evangeline patted the cushion beside her. She wanted Natalie to be safe, but not at John's expense. If he was ready to start talking, someone owed it to him to listen. Even if he was drunk, Evangeline was touched that he'd reached out to her.

John hesitated for a moment before sitting down beside her. He still held out hope that she would just take him to her bedroom and make him forget about everything else. He could tell by the look on her face that it wasn't going to happen tonight. She smiled patiently and held her robe closed. John chuckled softly.

"I get it, John. I know you hate talking about this stuff. Your feelings. Your past. You can't run forever. You can stop and catch your breath and then start running again, or we can work through this." Evangeline broke her own rule and held out her hand for him to hold. He slid his hand over hers and it was comforting to them both.

"I'm not going to lie, John. Your relationship with Natalie has always been a point of contention between us, but I understand now…this obsession that you have wit her." Evangeline placed her other hand over his.

John rolled his eyes. Natalie's name was brought up in almost every argument they'd had. "Much as you bring her up, maybe you're the one with a crush." John tried to pull his hand away, but Evangeline held him tighter.

"I'm not going to let you push me away this time, John. You have to choose to how you want to live the rest of your life, and that starts now." She looked over at him seriously. "It's not just with Natalie. It's part of your whole persona. It's why you're a cop. I guess Natalie just hits closer to home since you feel responsible for Cristian. You want to protect her. You want to do for her what no one ever did for you. John, nothing you can do now will change what happened to you. You were a child and it wasn't your fault."

John's mouth hung open, but no words came out. Decades of suppressed emotions started to overwhelm him. John had a free hand, but he didn't try to wipe away his tears. He didn't try to hide. Evangeline was right. Since his father's death, he'd become the protector. There was no time for crying because he had to be strong for this mother and brother. He had to wonder if this was really okay, could he allow himself to be so vulnerable. Was it his turn to be protected, and was it Evangeline's job to do it?

John swallowed hard, but he still didn't have the ability to speak. He looked over at Evangeline and he could still see all the pain in her eyes. Pain that he'd caused her just because she loved him. It wasn't fair to put this on her, but John couldn't make himself leave. He needed Evangeline. He wanted her. This was now his choice to finally let her in. Evangeline was holding his heart in her hands. He only hoped that she would take care of it. He couldn't bear another tragedy.

Evangeline pulled him into a hug. She held the man that she loved hoping to heal all the hurt from John McBain the little boy. He'd suffered in silence probably afraid to tell his mother. Ashamed that he was again powerless to stop a terrible thing from happening in his life. Holding back those three little words had been his way of having control over something in his chaotic life.

"I'm so sorry that you suffered alone for so long." Evangeline couldn't hold back her own tears as John sobbed in her arms. "You are not alone now. I'm here, and I won't ever let anyone hurt you. Never again."

For all the pain and heartache that he'd been through, John was surprised at how her simple words had such a profound effect on him. He'd been waiting to hear those words since his father died. "Thank you." John had wanted to say more, but surely this would be enough for now.

Evangeline wouldn't push him. This was just the beginning. When John was in the right state of mind, they'd have to really talk about everything, but even before that there was unfinished business.

Evangeline pulled out of their embrace and stood with her hand held out for him. "Tonight, we sleep. Tomorrow, we bring home Natalie. The day after, we talk…about everything."

John knew that taking her hand was as good as signing a contract in her mind. If he had any second thoughts, this was his time to escape. He could always blame it on the alcohol later, but Evangeline would still know the truth. He looked into her eyes waiting longer than he should have to take her hand, but he could see the light. She wasn't pitying him. She still respected him. She still loved him. The look in her eyes filled his heart with joy and excitement. It wasn't a dream anymore. John finally felt like he could be the man that she deserved.

He wasn't going to be a victim of his past any longer. Nervously, he took her hand. "Don't let go?"

"I won't." Evangeline almost broke down in tears. This was all she'd ever wanted for him.


	3. Spellbound

**Scene setup:**

During the KCK storyline, Evangeline is willing to be hypnotized to find any information to help find Natalie and the killer. John objects, but Rex and Marcie force his compliance.

* * *

"Damn it, what kind of madhouse are we running." John shouted to no one in particular. They had Hayes Barber in custody, but Rex and Marcie had tormented him. Not much worse than John who'd strangled him. Now, Hayes mental state had been shattered and there was not hope that he would recover anytime soon. Months had passed and Natalie was still gone.

"John, we need to consider Evangeline's plan." Bo too was annoyed at Rex and Marcie. He was more at fault than they were. It was his job to restrict Hayes' visitors, but he hadn't made that clear enough to his personnel.

"No." John dismissed it quickly. That Bo would even humor such a ridiculous request was beyond reason. Evangeline had been through her own private hell that none of them knew the half of. Despite his promise to keep Evangeline safe, she'd suffered simply because her relationship with John. He was pissed that it happened at all. There was no way he would put her though that again.

"We have to try everything we can to get Natalie back. You know as well as I do. We don't have all the time in the world. Natalie needs us now." Bo wasn't yelling, but his voice was elevated. He wasn't really asking John's permission. He was the commissioner and it was his decision. He would allow Evangeline to risk her sanity for Natalie's safety.

"If Evangeline can help find my sister, she needs to do it," Rex barked his statement to John. "Natty is in trouble and it's because of you, McBain"

It took everything John had not to strangle Rex like he'd done Hayes. He wouldn't choke him, but he did grab him roughly by his collar. "Natalie is in trouble because of you," John's words were spoken with more venom than he'd intended. "You and Natalie knew she might be a target after the waitress at the diner. Instead of leaving it to the LPD, you went out and baited the killer which nearly got both of you killed. Even then, you still wanted to play games with a guy who is killing for sport. You and Natalie took me away from the Woman of the Year ceremony, and Evangeline got snatched." John tightened the grip on his collar and shouted in Rex's face, "That was because of you! Evangeline doesn't get snatched and I'm not left to choose between the two them. Natalie should have been home by now, and that's on you."

"Hey, John, cool it," Bo should have intervened sooner. He'd let Rex and others have unfettered access to the station and it had only been a hindrance in getting work done. "I said that's enough," Bo had to yell, but it wasn't as if John had heard him.

"We're not risking Evangeline to save Natalie. End of discussion." John released Rex and turn to look at Bo. He frowned to see Evangeline standing behind Bo. She'd probably been in earshot for the whole conversation.

"That's my decision to make," Evangeline had seen enough of the angry John McBain. He was starting to become undone because the search for Natalie had stalled out. Evangeline couldn't just sit idly by. Natalie was hardly her friend, but no one deserved whatever hell she was going through. "I already spoke to Phil Jamison. He's sending over a colleague who should be here shortly."

"Good, at least someone around here cares about my sister," Rex straitened out his collar and glared over at John.

"Alright Balsom, you're coming with me," Bo escorted him away. He'd calm Rex down while Evangeline convinced John that she would be okay. Evangeline would do the right thing, but he wanted John to be on board with the decision in case something went wrong.

John ran his hands through his hair before resting them on his hips. "Why are you so hell bent on doing this. Hypnosis is not a panacea. There's a chance that this won't work at all or worse." John wouldn't say the rest because Evangeline had probably thoroughly researched the topic. "We're not done yet. We are going to bring Natalie home."

Evangeline mustered a smile that she couldn't exactly call sincere. "I heard about Hayes. This could be the best shot that Natalie has. I have to do something John. Not just for her, but for me too. If she, if she…we can't let Hayes win." Evangeline walked closer to him. She folded her arms across her chest.

"Bringing Natalie home is my job. You gave us your statement. You've done more than enough already." John spoke softly taking a different approach with her.

"You don't have to do this by yourself. I'm trying to help." Evangeline had witnessed first hand John's dedication to this case. Serial killers were his area of expertise. He'd worked himself to the bone and stupid stunts like the one Marcie and Rex had pulled were keeping him from getting the results he needed.

"I appreciate it Evangeline. I really do." She never ceased to amaze him. "I don't want you to do this. You know, there's no guarantee that you've forgotten anything. Your statement was thorough." John had already argued with her about this once. He'd gently tried to remind her that she would be reliving it all over again. Except this time, she wouldn't be able to block out the things that were too painful to remember.

"I owe it to Natalie. To her family. I have to try John. When I was missing, I would have expected nothing less from everyone else." John's resistance was starting to make her waver.

"You, you, of all people, don't owe anyone. Anything." John looked her in the eyes to drive home his point. Natalie nor her family had spared Evangeline any heartache. That was on John too, though. He didn't protect her then, so he needed to do it now.

"Ms. Williamson, I'm Dr. Fox. Are you ready to proceed?" A tall blond man was standing off to the side with Bo in tow.

Evangeline had tears in her eyes. She looked at John smiled weakly. She nodded once.

"Give us a minute," John spoke while keeping his eyes trained on Evangeline. His eyes didn't follow them as Bo led the doctor off to a secluded room in the station. "I can't change your mind?"

"I need you in my corner for this, John. I'm scared, but I'm alive. I can't say the same for Natalie." Evangeline had found her resolve. With or without John's acceptance, she would go through with this.

John wasn't surprised by Evangeline's compassion or determination. It was part of what had drawn him to her in the first place. She was willing to put herself on the line for a woman who had been a strain on their relationship. She would overlook that to bring home her romantic rival. Evangeline really was well adjusted. John was proud, thankful, and envious.

"I get to be there the whole time. I'm going to sit right next to you. I'm going to hold you hand the whole time. I couldn't be there for you then, but I'll be here now." John stared at her apologetically. He couldn't change how he'd allowed Natalie to treat her in the past. He couldn't change how he'd made her feel insecure in their relationship. In spite of it all, she would probably be Natalie's saving grace.

"Thank you, John." She wanted to hug him but thought better of it. She wasn't doing this just for him or even Natalie. If there was every any chance of her reuniting with John, it wouldn't be because she won him by default. John would bring Natalie home, and if he wanted her as much as she wanted him they'd be together.


	4. Happy Birthday

**Scene setup:**

After John's birthday celebration at the palace, John and Evangeline go back to his apartment to continue the celebration.

* * *

"Okay, okay, uncle, uncle," Evangeline was laughing so hard she was nearly crying. A playful tap had turned into a wrestling match. John had pinned her down to the bed and was playfully pummeling her. She'd surprised John with her agility, but his strength gave him a natural advantage.

"Mhm," John released his hold on her and swiped the hair away from his face. "You're no Rocky, but with a little work you can probably hold your own."

"Yeah, because all those lawyers down at the courthouse can get a little unruly sometimes." She rolled her eyes and reached down to pull off her boots.

"I was talking about your clients," he joked, but he was sort of serious. Months ago, she'd been attacked by some racist scum, and it was pure luck that Michael was there to keep her safe. John had wanted to get her a small handgun, but she shut that idea down quickly. She dealt with dangerous criminals daily and he'd wanted to protect her. "Couldn't hurt to learn some self defense stuff." He kissed the back of her head and pushed away the lingering thoughts of her being hurt like that again.

"Sure thing, detective." Evangeline leaned back seductively against the pillows. This would have to stand in place of the gift she would have gotten him if she'd had notice in advance. "Anything else I can get for you." Her dress which was lowcut was revealing more cleavage than she would allow to show in public.

John smiled. "Cake, sex, can this birthday get any better?" He leaned in to kiss her and let out a frustrated sigh when her phone rang.

"Hold that thought." Evangeline gave him quick kiss on the cheek and rolled to the other side of the bed to get her phone. "Evangeline Williamson."

John sat in silence as she dealt with her phone call. It was a client and they sounded agitated. Evangeline was trying to calm the man down, but John could hear yelling despite her best efforts. Around the five-minute mark of the conversation, John grabbed her digital camera and started to look through the pictures. His back was facing her so she couldn't see the smile on his face. They looked good together. John felt a little bad that some of the better pictures were blurred due to his movement. He made a note to put up less of a fight the next time.

Evangeline had rolled onto her stomach and smiled as John massaged her back. Her client was ranting and raving, but there wasn't anything she could do for him tonight. His family was not able to come up with enough money to bond him out. He didn't want to spend the night in jail, but it was after hours and Evangeline couldn't do anything until morning. It took nearly twenty minutes, but she'd finally gotten him off the phone.

"I'm sorry about that." Evangeline flopped her head onto the pillow and carelessly let her phone fall to the floor.

"No worries." Enjoying the soft sounds she was making, John continued her massage. "I had a really good time tonight. Can't remember having a birthday this good since...since I was about as young as I was in that picture.

Evangeline smiled. "Here, let me do you." Evangeline had planned on making this night special for him, but he was slowly putting her to sleep.

"We're doing what I want because it's my birthday, right?" He scooted down beside her so that his body was pressed against hers. He continued her massage after she nodded her head. "I'm sorry I didn't give you a heads up." John found himself constantly apologizing to her. She wasn't being demanding. She just called him on his crap and help him accountable. It had been a long time since anyone had done either of those things.

Evangeline rolled over so she was facing him. She grabbed the hand that had been massaging her and held it in hers. "I'm just going to have to get you an extra special present next year." She kissed him deeply finally ready to give him his preset. She was surprised when he ended the kiss early.

"You're all that I need." John's eyes met hers and he looked at her seriously. "I don't know how or why we ended up together. The memorable drunken nights I'm mostly familiar with end up with me taking some poor soul in on a DUI." He would probably never be able to drink wine again without thinking of Evangeline.

Evangeline's smile widened. She felt warm allover from the memory. She'd never done anything that impulsive in her life and she was glad that she did. Even though John couldn't say the same to her, Evangeline loved John. "Occupational hazard," Evangeline joked to lighten the mood. She didn't want to ruin John's night by focusing on work or his feelings.

"I'm serious. You know, what are the chances that someone like you falls for a guy like me? You're smart, beautiful, determined, successful. Probably isn't anything you can't do if you put your mind to it." John stroked the side of her face lovingly. Words had been hard for him in the past, but she was making that easier.

"Don't sell yourself short McBain. I'm lucky to have you in my life." Evangeline held back her wishful smile. The one thing she couldn't do was to make him love her, and that's what she wanted most of all. John hadn't been the man she'd dreamed of as a little girl. As a woman, she knew that the dreams of a preteen girl were unrealistic. What she had with John wasn't something that she could have ever dreamed of. Their relationship was based on a mutual trust and understanding. They'd had more than a few rough patches, but they grew closer each day.

"Sitting across that table from you tonight…," John paused and gathered his words. His words might not be exactly what she wanted to hear, but tonight he wouldn't hold anything back from her, "I closed my heart off a long time ago. Too much pain. Too much suffering. Sitting across that table from you tonight, I knew if I was ever going to say those words again. I'd say them to you." John wiped the single tear that rolled down her cheek.

"John," Evangeline's words died in her throat. It wasn't 'I love you,' but this was pretty darn good for John McBain.

"I think, Evangeline, I think I'm falling in love with you." As quick as the words were out of his mouth, John was on top of her. He kissed her hard while pushing her down to the mattress. He would make love to her now, but he wanted to make sure she'd heard him. "I'm falling in love with you, Evangeline." When he kissed her again, he felt her melting in his arms.


	5. Never Again

**Scene setup:**

During the KCK storyline, John saves Natalie from her own foolishness. In a fit of anger, he yells that he doesn't want someone else he loves to get hurt. Now he has to face Evangeline.

* * *

After things settled down with Natalie, John told Bo he needed to take the rest of the day off. Bo figured he was shaken by what Natalie had done, so he was more than accommodating. John stood in the middle of his office and felt completely lost. He tried to gather his thoughts to think about what he'd say to Evangeline, but nothing he thought of seemed good enough.

He'd left Natalie in Michael's care. John didn't doubt that she was telling him all about his outburst in the woods. Mike couldn't keep his mouth shut, so it'd only be a matter of time before all of Llanview heard. Whether he was ready or not, John knew he needed to talk to Evangeline. He'd have to just wing it.

She picked up her direct office line on the first ring. She must have been expecting a call. "Evangeline Williamson."

"Hey, it's me." John sat on the corner of his desk. He'd called her from his office. He figured that being in his office would help him keep his calm. "You busy?"

"Always, but never too busy for you. What's up?" Evangeline smiled at the sound of his voice. It was always a nice surprise to hear from him in the middle of the workday. It wasn't that long ago when he showed up in the middle of the day and made love to her in her office. That memory would probably keep her distracted for the rest of the day.

"I need to see you. Can you meet me?" John could hear the smile in her voice. For a moment, he'd considered not telling her at all. The last thing he wanted to do was to take away her smile.

"John, is everything okay?" Evangeline shifted from enamored to concerned. John was serious about his work and wasn't one to duck out in the middle of the day. His ominous tone had her flipping through her calendar to see how she could reschedule her meetings and not get swamped later in the week.

"Yeah," John simply replied, but that was a lie.

"I've got uh," Evangeline froze as she tried to read through her own bad notes. She tried to leave the scheduling to her secretary, but every now and then she'd pencil something in. "I can meet you right now." Evangeline stopped flipping through her calendar. She remembered before telling him that she'd come running if he ever needed her. She was standing up and tossing files in her briefcase before she spoke again. "Should I meet you at the station or your place?"

"Let's meet at your place. I can be there in ten minutes." John looked at his watch. She'd joked that they always ended their arguments in bed, and that they never did much talking when they were near his bed. Her place was neutral and had thick walls. He didn't want Roxy or any of the other tenants of the Angel's Square Hotel to overhear this conversation.

"Okay, I'll see you then." Evangeline frowned. He'd hung up before she could say anything else. Something was definitely wrong. She spoke to her secretary before she left and then she was on her way.

When she arrived, she saw John's car in the parking lot and wondered how long he'd been waiting. She'd gotten held up in traffic and it had taken her twenty minutes to get there. She didn't see John in the lobby and knew he was waiting for her upstairs. The mystery was really starting to get to her. Her time in the elevator had given her enough time to regain her cool. She didn't want to let her anxiety show. When she opened the door, she saw John immediately. He was sitting in a chair near the fireplace. He looked beaten down and exhausted.

"Hey." Evangeline was committed to maintaining a positive attitude. She walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek. "You had me worried McBain. I thought you might have been hurt or something." Evangeline dropped her briefcase beside the chair that was across from John.

"Me, no, I'm fine." John sighed. He did his best to keep his hands to himself. He didn't want to try and distract her with his physical desires. Though, part of him wanted to just make love to her and forget that the day even happened. He could get her into bed, probably, but when the truth came out it would only make her hate him more.

"So, what's up?" Evangeline suddenly remembered leaving John at the station. He was off to find Natalie who might have been in a sticky situation. "What happened with Natalie? Did you find her?" Evangeline knew she should wait for him to fill her in, but she was naturally inquisitive.

John leaned back in the chair and shook his head. He should have reigned Natalie in sooner. "Yeah, she and Rex pulled a stupid stunt. They went out there to bait the killer."

"What? That's crazy." Evangeline was continually surprised at Natalie's antics to get John's attention. If she wasn't careful, she'd end up hurt.

"I know. Killer knocked out Rex and fired an arrow at Natalie. Luckily, she ended up with a scrape. Just a big waste of resources. We've got the arrow and the crossbow, but I doubt it will lead to anything." John studied her face as he spoke. She looked concerned and annoyed at the same time. He could understand her feelings.

"My god, I'm just glad she's okay." Evangeline shook her head. She chose to change the subject. She wouldn't make Natalie the center of whatever John needed her for. "Look, let's just hope that something good comes from this." Evangeline reached over and touch his hand. "I'm sorry. I know you didn't call me here to talk about Natalie. What's going on?"

John wiped his hand down his face to hide his expression. "Actually, I did." John focused his attention toward the fireplace. He couldn't keep looking her in the eyes.

Evangeline, who was very good a putting on a game face, was unable to hide her surprise. There wasn't any good scenario that she could think of that would require John to call her away from work to discuss Natalie. She had a dozen questions in her mind, but she held off. She was more concerned that John wouldn't look at her anymore. "Can't you at least look at me?"

John looked over at her sadly. "What Natalie did was stupid, you know. Even if she didn't get hurt, she could have gotten someone else hurt."

"And you're going to beat yourself up over that?" Evangeline couldn't hold back. As much as Natalie claimed she understood John, she caused him more than a fair amount of stress and worry.

"No, maybe. Just another reminder of all the things that have gone wrong in my life. With the job, I'm supposed to protect people, keep them safe. Seeing Natalie on the ground and bleeding, brought back a lot." John saw Evangeline softening towards him. That made him feel worse. "In the heat of the moment, I told Natalie how dumb it was. Told her I didn't want to see someone that I loved get hurt again," John let his words die off at the end. "It all happened so fast."

A single tear rolled down Evangeline's cheek. She wasn't sad, though. She was furious. She couldn't count the number of times that he'd told her Natalie was just a friend. Now the truth had finally come out and it hurt. "Well thanks for being honest, John," she couldn't hide the sarcasm in her voice.

"I'm not in love with Natalie," John reached out to touch her, but she recoiled. "It was just the heat of the moment. I wasn't thinking. You have to understand that I didn't plan for this to happen, but it did and I'm sorry."

"Sorry, John?" Evangeline stood and started to pace. "You said you loved the woman who has been between us since the beginning of our relationship. The same woman who you assured me was 'just a friend.' I'm sorry isn't good enough."

"You think I did this on purpose," John had expected her anger. He wasn't naïve enough to believe that she'd just kiss him and make up. He was focused on making her understand, because he was ready to stop talking about this.

"No, John, but you choose your words very carefully. You are methodical. Of all the intimate moments we've shared, you've never said those words to me or even come close. But Natalie, you said them to Natalie."

"I am not in love with Natalie." John stood and tried to walk over to her, but she moved away from him. She was wrong. He'd come close on his birthday, but she'd fallen asleep. Though, now wasn't the time to bring that up. "This was a mistake. I am not in love with her."

"How would you know, John? Really? You spend all these years bottling up your feelings and avoiding getting close to anyone." Evangeline couldn't help but to feel like an idiot. How long had he been in love with her? How long had she known that there was more than just friendship between them and chose to ignore? John broke her heart because she let him.

"Because I'm in love with you!" John shouted angrily at her and immediately regretted it. "Evangeline, please." He needed to hold her now. He needed her to understand how there was no one else for him.

"How could you say that to me," Evangeline spoke through sobs. Of all the time she'd imagined that she would hear those words, she never imagined this scenario. It wasn't some sweet and romantic admission. It was an angry confession. "Don't you dare say that to me."

John hung his head shamefully. It wasn't as if he didn't have a chance to tell her before. Her falling asleep on his birthday had been the excuse that he made for holding back. It hadn't just been a fleeting, either. He thought about her constantly and it scared him. He knew what kind of man she needed, and he wasn't that guy. He had just been counting down the days before she realized it too.

Without another word, Evangeline turned and walked to the kitchen. She was glad to be home at this point. She poured herself a glass of wine as her tears continued to fall. Even now she was reminded of their first romantic encounter down in Mary's basement. Now she probably wouldn't even be able to drown her sorrows in alcohol without thinking about him.

John followed her and stood in the doorway to the kitchen silently. She hadn't noticed him, or she was ignoring him. He tried his best to hold it in, but now his cheeks were stained with tears as well. She was hurting now, and it was because of him. "Evangeline, I don't want us to be over. I want to fix this, but I don't know how." A speechless Evangeline was not what he was expecting. She simply shrugged as she walked past him with her glass and the bottle of wine in hand. He followed behind her back to the living room. She returned to her chair near the fireplace.

"I think you should leave." Evangeline had finished one glass in a few short minutes and was already pouring a second. She was certainly going to be feeling this tomorrow, but she didn't care. She knew the alcohol would numb her from the pain. The disappointment.

"Not until I fix this. Tell me what to do. Tell me what you need." John kneeled to one knee beside her chair. He moved to touch her leg and she allowed it. That small victory gave him hope.

"Let's just say I believe you. Despite everything that's happened, everything you've said, you are not in love with Natalie." Evangeline was slouched over in her chair with her feet on the cushions of the chair opposite of her. In keeping John away from her, she'd forgotten all the refinement that her mother had taught her. At this point, she was barely able to stop herself from losing all tact and really letting John have it. "She's in love with you, and she's been in love with you. She didn't risk her life to help the LPD. She did it to get your attention. You said she made a pass at you. How much farther do you think she's willing to go to have you?"

"This ain't a competition. I'm with you." John sat on the arm of the chair that her legs were propped up in.

"Clearly, she doesn't respect that, John. Clearly." Evangeline set her glass and the bottle down on the floor which required her to sit up properly in her chair. She had the overwhelming urge to start throwing things. That would have been fine, but this was her apartment and she didn't want to make a mess.

"She's been through a lot," John stopped when he saw Evangeline rolling her eyes. He'd used that tired excuse a number of times. Today it wasn't going to work.

"How long is that excuse going to work for her? She has her family to help her if she still can't deal. Her brother was willing to risk his life by baiting a serial killer to help her get with you. Roxy locked you guys in that evidence room, and we both know what that was about. Bo's got her working at the station, so you can keep your eye on her 24/7." Evangeline looked him in the eyes, because she wanted to see just how much he'd hurt her.

When she stated it so plainly, John understood her frustration. It wasn't as if Natalie didn't have family to turn to. John made himself responsible for her. Maybe her family wasn't as invested as he was because they knew she had him to turn to. Logically, he knew he needed to step back and let her live her own life. "You have to understand that what I feel for her is not anything at all like what I feel for you."

Evangeline absorbed his words for a moment. In a moment of clarity, she finally understood him. "It's you that doesn't understand, John. Throughout our entire relationship, the only thing I've understood is that Natalie comes first. She gets herself into trouble and you have to save her. You leave my bed to go and clean up her messes. Then you swear that you're not in love with her. You may not be in love with her, but you love her. The why doesn't really matter." Evangeline looked away sadly. She couldn't betray her own heart. "I do know that I love you. God help me, but I do. I also love my mother, and that's nothing at all like what I feel for you. I love Nora, and that's nothing at all like what I feel for you. You spent so long running from your feelings that now you can't even realize what love really is."

John sighed inwardly. Her admission gave him the smallest bit of hope. "Maybe you're right. Natalie's like a kid sister to me. I feel for her what I did for Mike after my dad. I feel responsible like I have to watch out for her. I know you don't want to hear that. I'm not blind. I know she's in love with me, and she's never stopped. I'm scared that if I push her away, she'll do something stupid and get herself killed. I've tried to keep her at arm's length and that was at your expense. For that, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

John reached for her, and she allowed it. He pulled her over to his lap and hugged her tightly. His heart was eased only slightly. He'd had to admit more than he'd wanted to, but his honesty is likely what saved their relationship. Somehow, they'd weathered this storm.

Evangeline stroked the top of John's head while he held her. It wasn't the declaration of love that she wanted, but she felt that he was being honest. Maybe she was a fool. She loved him and she didn't want to let him go. "John, I love you, but I can't keep doing this. I won't let you keep breaking my heart." Evangeline paused as he looked up at her. She hoped these words would be the last time Natalie would be mentioned as an issue in their relationship. "It's not your friendship with Natalie that bothers me, but if you don't get it just image if the roles were reversed and I was chasing after RJ. I can't tell you what to do, so you're going to have to figure this out on your own. If you ever blur the line with Natalie again, I won't forgive you."

John pursed his lips and nodded his head. Her comparison had been fair. Their relationship would have been dead in the water if she'd been chasing after RJ for months. He also didn't doubt that she was serious about not forgiving him again. "Okay." John had never been one for sweet talk, and he wasn't about to start now. He needed to show her that he could be a better man and that would speak for itself.

The best choice of action would have been for John to tell Evangeline about the deal he made with Cristian Vega. He wasn't ready to get into another fight when they'd just made up, so he chose to keep that information a secret for now. The secret couldn't be ignored for too much longer, and he knew that. He'd come clean to her and then Bo and Nora. The fallout would be devastating, but the die had already been cast.

For now, John just wanted to have her again. He ran his hands in her hair and pulled her in for a kiss. "Right now, I want to take the woman I love to her bedroom and show her how sorry I really am." John stood with her in his arms and started to walk her back to her bedroom.

* * *

Author's note: Please don't be frustrated with the shorts. I'm trying to stay sort of canon in case one of these turns into a full blown story. My ideas are written so that I could continue somewhat along with the way the story unfolded on the show. Of course, if anything turns into a full blown story it will not be cannon. I'll borrow some of their ideas and put a JoVan friendly spin on it. :)


	6. Keep Holding On

Distraught by another tragic turn of events in his life, John goes to visit the grave of a former friend, Evangeline Williamson.

* * *

John sat in his car silently with his hands gripping the steering wheel. He'd been rooted in place for the past thirty minutes. He was trying to find his courage. Adjusting his tie one final time, he grabbed the flower arrangement that was seated on the passenger's seat and figured it was now or never. The door to his rental car flung open, and he stepped out into the cool spring air. He eyes cast downward, John walked with short measured steps into the gates of the cemetery.

The long walk was reminiscent of his first date. The nerves of walking up to his date's front door knowing that he'd come face to face with her father had him in a cold sweat. Evangeline had been buried here in this cemetery in a family plot. She was buried right beside her father. To John, he was finally going to have to meet the man that Evangeline had described as larger than life. The whole drive over, John had found himself practicing a speech. Not as if it mattered, though. The dead didn't speak and passed no judgments.

Nearly ten years had passed since Evangeline succumbed to her injuries from a targeted act of violence. Evangeline and a host of other minority residents in Llanview had been gassed by a white supremacist. Evangeline got the worst of it and slipped into a coma. In the end, her family took her off life support after her living will had been found. The letter was later proven to be a forgery, but the damage had already been done.

A wide smile crept over John's face as he walked closer to her family plot. He was excited to talk to an old friend again. He and Evangeline were swept away in a whirlwind romance that ended far too quickly. In retrospect, John knew that he loved Evangeline deeply. During their time together, John was a different man and refused to admit his feelings. Though it should have drove a wedge between them, Evangeline ended their romantic relationship and continued their friendship. He would always believe that she was more than he deserved.

John stopped short at the grave of Clarence Williamson. He bowed slightly to pay his respects. When he looked to the headstones on either side, he was confused because neither was Evangeline's. He figured Layla had intentionally told him the wrong information or Evangeline had been relocated. He walked up and down the row hoping that she was somewhere nearby. He made four or five passes up and down the row before he finally accepted that she wasn't here after all.

"John McBain? Is that you?"

John's ears perked up with excitement and then confusion. He spun around and was scared nearly half to death. The woman that stood before him was the same that he was here to visit. "Evangeline?" His tears were automatic. This illusion was a painful reminder of the woman he'd lost.

With four quick steps, Evangeline was now standing in front of him. Her eyes were bright and shining with tears. She pulled him into a tight hug and noticed his apprehension. Of course, he'd be surprised. She was supposed to be dead.

The flowers that John held fell to the ground as he pulled his arms around her. Her new but familiar appearance with this physical contact were confirmation that she indeed was alive. "All this time, I thought you were gone." John's voice came out hoarse and strained as he spoke through tears.

Evangeline smiled and let him hold her. His words told her that he'd not been here in quite some time. Evangeline hadn't been dead for more than eight years. "Long story short the bureau got me."

John smiled again. That had actually been a comfort to hear. In the deepest recess of John's mind, he hoped that's what really happened. It was always too convenient that everyone else in Cristian's apartment came through just fine. When he was recalled to the bureau, he thought about answering that question definitively, but thought better of it. At best, she was still alive and living some new fake life away from her loved ones. At worst, she really had been killed, and her precious life had been stolen from her. John chose ignorance because it allowed for the possibility of her being alive. Never had he imagined that he would ever see her again.

John pulled out of their embrace so that he could look her over. She was still the same Evangeline, but slightly different. Her hair that was pulled into a ponytail was longer. She didn't have the gaunt look of a model, but she was noticeably thinner. The biggest difference was her smile. She looked truly happy. That's when John noticed. The silver band on her left ring finger sparkled in the light of the sun.

Evangeline studied John's face. Even now she knew him, perhaps better than he knew himself. For a brief moment, his eyes reflected the pain of a great betrayal. He recovered quickly and was again smiling over at her. She knew he'd seen the ring, the symbol of her newfound happiness.

Almost on cue, the energetic voices of children could be heard from behind Evangeline. Her smile widened as she turned and kneeled. Her arms were stretched open inviting the children in. "Mommy, we saw a turtle and a frog." The tallest boy arrived first and came crashing into her. There were two smaller boys that followed along with a handsome man who was middle aged and holding a baby. "Daddy says we can't take them home."

The child's words echoed in John's head. Not only had Evangeline married, she had children as well. Rage, envy, jealousy. John didn't understand his emotions, so he buried them deep inside as he was so accustomed to doing.

"We already have enough pets at home." Evangeline squeezed them all together which caused them to giggle uncontrollably. She released them when they started to fidget wildly. They paid no attention to John as they started to run off and chase each other up and down the rows. "Hey, you." Evangeline stood and stroked the child's face. Then she kissed the man on his cheek. "Hiro, this is an old friend of mine. This is John McBain." Evangeline finally made the introduction that John had been waiting for. "John this is my husband Hiro Kasai. This is our daughter Naomi. Those are our boys, Ken the oldest, Jin our middle son, and Rei our baby boy."

His irritation distracted him at first, but after the introduction John realized who her husband was. "Hiro Kasai, formerly of the Seattle Mariners. Mr. No Hitter." He could have guessed that Evangeline wouldn't end up with some average Joe. Her husband had his career cut short when he was shot protecting others during a robbery. That would have been before he'd met Evangeline.

Hiro smiled and nodded. He was never one for the limelight. Being noticed was always pleasant, but he preferred his quiet life with Evangeline and their children. "I'm going to walk with he kids a bit. Maybe we can run off some of that energy before bedtime." Though Evangeline called John a friend, Hiro had never heard that name before. He figured John was from her old life. A time that she had long since forgotten.

"I'll see you guys in a bit." Evangeline kissed her baby girl before watching her husband follow after the boys.

"If I wasn't seeing it, I wouldn't believe it. Hell, I'm seeing it, and I still don't believe it." John spoke to her to bring her attention back to him. It was painful to watch her loving another man.

"Yeah." Evangeline didn't know how to respond properly. Surely, he'd been referring to the Evangeline he'd known before. She'd sworn off marriage and having kids was more like wishful thinking. "I spent 22 months in Nowhere, Arkansas keeping a low profile. You know how it is. Being in witness protection was solitude. Leave your family and everyone you've ever loved. We'll put you somewhere new, but don't get too close to anyone. You can't afford to have your cover blown." Thinking back, those 22 months gave her insight on John. He too lived a guarded life and didn't let other get close. Though, his had been by choice.

John picked up the flowers that he'd intended to lay on her grave. It seemed a waste to discard them, so instead he placed them on her father's grave. He noticed today was her father's birthday. She'd told him once that she always came down to visit around this time of year.

"After all this time, what brings you out here, John?" Evangeline sat on her father's headstone and looked down at John. He looked like she remembered except with a few gray hairs. His expression was somber as usual. She always felt like she needed to make him laugh or smile. In the past, when they had been around each other, she was overcome with amorous thoughts of him. Now those thoughts were no more.

"Was thinking about you." John chose the short answer. He'd been working on a case when he was caught up in a building explosion. He was buried alive and with little hope left, his life flashed before his eyes. When he was sure there was no way out of his situation, he took out the two things most dear to him and held them close to his heart as he prepared for death. One was a picture of his former son, Liam. The other was a wrinkled napkin that Evangeline had given him years before. The words 'I love you, E' were written in her neat handwriting.

He never changed Natalie from being his emergency contact, so she was called in after he was rescued. She lied and said she was his wife, and no one questioned it. Any hope of a reconciliation was dashed when she was given the items they recovered when they rescued him. That he was thinking of Evangeline in what he thought were his final moments was devastating. He had a picture of her in his wallet, yet he'd intentionally disregarded it.

"Had my own near-death experience and it brought me back. Gave me some perspective." John arranged the flowers carefully. Then, he joined Evangeline, sitting carefully on her father's headstone.

Evangeline nodded. She wouldn't ask what he meant. "What have you been up to other than cheating death?"

"The usual. Being a cop. Being John McBain." John looked out in the distance and he could still see Evangeline's children chasing after each other. "I had a son with Natalie."

Evangeline's heart broke instantly. She didn't care for John anymore, but she could feel for anyone who knew the pain of losing a child. "John, I'm so sorry."

"He's okay," John inserted and saw a relieved look on he face. "He's just not mine. Not anymore." John paused expecting questions from Evangeline. She remained eerily silent, so John continued. "It was always easy for me to be with her 'cause she knew what pain and loss were. We both lived hard lives with absentee mothers and no father figure. We both lost significant others. I didn't have to tell her what I was feeling. She knew."

Evangeline didn't wince at his revelation. She knew why John chose Natalie. John felt the need to apologize now, but he was over a decade late. "I can understand that."

"When she thought we weren't going to be together anymore, she took our son and left. She was always just a regular girl from AC until she remembered she had Buchanan money to throw around. I was ready to fight for him, and then the truth came out, again. I wasn't Liam's father again, but this time there wasn't some mix up. I had Mike do another test and then a few independent labs before it finally sunk in. Maybe I could have fought it, but I let him go. I had to." Since that day, John had been constantly thinking about Evangeline. He'd made his choice years ago, but he couldn't help but wonder what could have been.

Evangeline didn't believe in fate, but this news wasn't a surprise. Natalie was a narcissist. She and John only worked if he was focused on her and her needs alone. That they allowed a child to get confused in their drama was the most upsetting part.

For a moment, John found himself wishing for a ghost. The Evangeline of his dreams was talkative and inquisitive, playful and sensual. This new Evangeline was silent and introspective. John was not prepared for that.

When it became obvious that she was waiting for him to continue, he spoke again. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out an old, dirty napkin. He had it stashed in a sandwich bag to prevent further damage. He held it out for Evangeline to see. "In lots of ways, my life has been a waste. Filled with missed opportunities and regrets. You kept me going, though. Just remembering that someone like you could ever love someone like me has gotten me through some tough times.

Evangeline smile regrettably. "I'm glad you made it through it all. Life is amazing and every day is a blessing."

John waited. He was almost holding his breath just hoping to hear her say it one more time.

"Please take care of yourself, John. Find the happiness that you deserve." Evangeline knew she was disappointing him. He was still frozen in time and living for the precious moments that he'd lost so long ago.

Even though he was disappointed, John smiled. "I will. You don't have to be a stranger. We were friends once, remember?"

"I'll never forget." Evangeline touched his face gently then his heart. "Good bye, John."

John didn't have the heart to stop her as she walked away. There was nothing he could say that would steal her away from her new life. He turned over the sandwich bag in his hand and stared at the opposite side of the napkin. He'd scribbled his own note to her 'I love you, J', but he'd never had the courage to give it to her. Now that he was ready it was far too late.

* * *

Author's note: This hurts, but I feel it's realistic with the OLTL canon universe. Evangeline couldn't wait on John forever.


	7. Feelings

_Evangeline is attacked by a random stranger who took offense to her and John's display of public affection at the train station. He insists that she stay with him until she feels okay on her own_.

* * *

It was a cold Saturday morning at the Angel's Square motel. The cold chill and the threat of snow had residents tucked away in their rooms and wishing for warmer weather. Though the motel was near a well manicured park, the residents were rarely greeted with the singing of birds in the morning. The thin walls guaranteed that residents would be privy to each others' conversations and intimate moments. The hotel was not much to look at, but it was very affordable and made it attractive for some less than savory individuals. For John McBain, the budget motel was his home.

Ever since his father was killed in the line of duty, he found himself scrimping and saving for a rainy day that still hadn't come. The money he saved was a great safety in the event that he needed it, but, in his line of work, he expected to pass it on to family after an unfortunate incident. He was always cautious and prepared for the worst-case scenario. Many of his days were spent in quite isolation as he chose to avoid getting close to anyone.

Now, he was with someone, and he couldn't ignore the changes she brought to his life. Today was another exception, if you could call it that, to his normally solitary routine. His girlfriend, Evangeline Williamson, had spent the night with him. Instead of waking up, working out, and working late into the night, he would spend his day making love to her and enjoying her company.

Her long dark hair was covered his face and pillow as his eyes adjusted to the light level in the room. Inhaling the familiar scent of her shampoo, he gently stroked her hair and smoothed it into place. The feeling of her warm body pressed against his caused him to smile. She was still completely nude from their adult adventure earlier this morning. The thought of their romantic evening excited John and he again felt the pull to possess her again.

He pulled her closer to him, so that she could feel that he wanted her, needed her. Since it was the weekend, he didn't feel guilty for exhausting her with his romantic desires. "Hey, are you awake?"

Evangeline moaned in response. She was still very tired, but she would not refuse him. She knew their time would be short today, so she would let him enjoy her one final time before she left him to his own devices.

They made love like they had done dozens of times before. Their relationship was still relatively new, but they connected on a level that scared both of them. They were both workaholics who had to learn to scale back their workloads to enjoy their relationship. It hadn't been a chore or a hard task for either of them. They genuinely enjoyed spending time together and were putting in the work to build a strong relationship.

"Mmm, that was good. That was very good." John swiped his hair away from his eyes as he slowly tried to catch his breath.

"We are pretty good together." The tender way John had just made love to her made her want to stay in bed with him all day. Unfortunately, she was way behind on her workload. Normally, she put in extra hours to manage her caseload and often took work home with her. This past week had her off her normal schedule.

A week had passed since an act of targeted violence had left Evangeline shaken. The tough lawyer exterior was mandatory for her line of work since she dealt with people at some of the lowest points of their lives. Her clients were usually dangerous but posed no real threat to her. Their victims or victims' families were the biggest threat to her. She was always careful to stay alert in public for just that reason.

She was attacked in broad daylight while she was still beaming with pride from being recognized for her charitable works. A joyous occasion was marred with violence from an attack that was seemingly random. Luckily, Michael, John's brother, had been there to save the day. He got away with just a few cuts and bruises, but that was probably because he was a big guy.

It scared John to think of what could have happened to Evangeline. Her attacker had seen them earlier in the day when John sent her off to give an acceptance speech with a hug and a kiss. Something so mundane that he hadn't thought twice of doing it. A simple difference between them that neither one of them wanted or could control had set that maniac off. The man was a coward. Instead of going after John, someone who was big enough and strong enough to take him on, he waited until Evangeline was alone and attacked her.

In the end, he got away, but he hadn't slipped under John's radar. He would find him, and he would pay for what he did to Evangeline. John wasn't one to act outside the law, but the man should be praying that John wouldn't be the one to apprehend him. One breath that was out of line would unleash the full fury of John McBain onto him.

For now, Evangeline was staying with John in his tiny motel room and had been ever since the night of the attack. She didn't want to impose and insisted that she was okay. John didn't insist, but he made it easy for her to say yes.

That first night he made love to her and held her in his arms. She didn't have any memory of it, but she'd woken up in the middle of the night in tears. John held her until she was able to fall back to sleep. Every night thereafter, he'd held her close and whispered sweet words to her while she slept.

He hated to take advantage, but she was his every night and he enjoyed her. He was working fewer hours to spend time with her, and for the first time in years he looked forward to going home each night. Things were still very new between them, but he could get used to coming home to her every night. Part of him didn't want to catch the guy that attacked her so she wouldn't ever leave. That thought was ridiculous, and he knew it. For as long as she needed it, his home would be hers.

Evangeline wasn't readily willing to admit she was shaken, but her change in schedule clued John into how scared she really was. She had security in her office building, but she didn't work late in the office. She went in early as usual but left just before dusk. She hadn't been taking any work home with her since John's room was small and didn't allow her to spread out and work like she needed to. Now, all of that was starting to catch up to her, and she needed to put in some extra work on the weekend to stay ahead of her case load.

John was still on top of her kissing the inside of her neck and willing his body to give a repeat performance. Evangeline's arms were wrapped around him, but she wasn't doing anything to encourage him to continue. This made John pause. "You need a break?" John looked down into her dark brown eyes. She looked conflicted.

"An eight hour break." Evangeline gave him a warm smile, but she could tell he was disappointed. She wasn't the only one who'd gotten accustomed to their new routine. She wanted to stay with him.

"Really?" John rolled off of her and wondered what she would be doing for so long. "Something with Nora today?" John was propped up on one arm and used his free hand to caress her.

"No. I'm just so behind with work. I've left early every day this past week, and I'm so behind. If I put in the time today, I'll only have a little bit of catch up to do next week." Evangeline was planning on working ahead as much as she could as well. She didn't feel safe in her own apartment, so, if she was going to continue leaving work early to be with John, she needed the extra OT.

"You can work from here if you want. I'll even be on my best behavior." John made the offer, but he knew how ridiculous it sounded. There was no space to work in, and, if she stayed, he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of her.

"I appreciate the offer. I really do, but I have got to work. How are you not just as far behind as I am."? Evangeline rolled onto her side and gave him a quick peck on the lips. She was ready to listen, but she was already making a plan in her head for all she needed to do today.

John shrugged. "My boss isn't as much of a hardass as yours?" John was teasing because Evangeline was her own boss. She was just as much of a perfectionist as he was, so the extra hours weren't absolutely needed. She worked hard because she wanted to be the best, and as far as anyone in Llanview knew she was.

"Haha." Evangeline leaned in and kissed him deeply. When she felt him getting excited, she pulled away. "No, no, no. I've got to go."

"Such a tease." John watched regrettably as she rolled out of bed.

"Join me for a shower?" Evangeline was pulling her hair up into a ponytail when she looked back at him.

John shook his head. "You go ahead." When she walked off, John fell back against the pillows and sighed. He listed as the shower ran and knew she would probably use up all the hot water, which was fine. He was just happy that she felt comfortable here with him in his less than stellar apartment.

When she finally emerged from the bathroom, John took the opportunity to shower. The water was cold, but it only helped to extinguish his desire for her. She was fully dressed and ready to go by the time he finished.

"Are you going to head into work today or are you going to relax?" Evangeline stared at his chiseled frame that was covered with a towel. She wanted him and was still trying to figure out a way to end her day early, so they could have more time together.

"Yeah, I'll probably put in some time." Tonight would be no different from any other night. John would leave work early to get things ready for Evangeline. He tried to have dinner there waiting for her with a glass of wine. They'd talk about their days and then they'd make love until they were both exhausted. "Call me when you're free?"

"The second I'm done. Have a good day." Evangeline walked over to him and gave him another longing kiss to remember her by, and then she was gone.

John dressed quickly hoping to catch Nigel instead of Roxy at the front desk. Nigel was Roxy's sort of boyfriend, and he was much preferred to the wild Roxy. Nigel had worked as a butler for the Buchanan family, so he knew how to present a professional face. Also, he didn't gossip like Roxy did, and John didn't want everyone to know his business.

John smiled as he reached the landing at the bottom of the stairs. He heard Nigel's nasally British voice giving another tenant a reminder of their rental obligation. John waited patiently for Nigel to end the call. The resident was not appreciative of Nigel's early morning reminder and giving him an earful. Nigel smiled at the sight of one of his best tenants.

"How's it going, Nigel?" John greeted him nicely knowing that he probably had at least half a dozen other calls like that to make this morning.

"I am having an absolutely wonderful morning, lieutenant. I saw Ms. Williamson leave a short while ago. I'm sure she helped to get your morning off to a good start." Nigel had always liked Evangeline. She was always polite and took the extra time to stop and make small talk with him.

John smiled wide. He wasn't sure if Nigel intended that to sound sexual, so he chose to ignore it. "Yeah, she did."

"What can I do for you this morning? We still have some croissants left over from earlier and there is some coffee as well. Can I fix a plate for you?" Serving others was second nature to Nigel. His efforts were wasted on many in the Angel's Square Motel that didn't appreciate his kindness.

"Sure, I'll take some coffee." John preferred coffee from the diner, but he would humor Nigel. "I'm actually in the market for a bigger place."

"Oh?" Nigel didn't try to hide the surprise and disappointment on his face. He enjoyed John's presence as it kept many of the residents from being unruly. There was also the added benefit of frequently seeing Evangeline. She was probably the only person who enjoyed the extra effort he put into trying to make the motel a nicer place, and she wasn't even a resident. "Well, we only require one-week notice, so whenever you find a place just let me or Roxy know." Nigel could understand John's wanting to leave. This place wasn't much, and it would be appropriate for him to find a nicer place to entertain Evangeline.

John took the sleeved paper cup that Nigel handed him. "Actually, I was just looking for a bigger place in the building. A studio or a one-bedroom apartment." John's motives weren't entirely selfish. Sure, more space would mean that Evangeline could work from his place, so he could spend more time with her. It would also make Llanview feel like more of a home than a temporary stop.

"Oh!" Nigel's mood brightened again. "Well, we don't have anything available just yet, but I can put you at the top of the list. Depending on how today goes, we may have an opening in 30 days." That was how long it took to evict someone.

"Thanks, Nigel." John smiled and was off to start his day.

* * *

Evangeline finished working in record time. When it was needed, she was able to drown out everything else and focus on her task. Today, she had special motivation since she wanted to get back to relaxing. It wasn't just relaxing that she missed. She also wanted to spend time with John.

She suggested banning words like love to make John feel more comfortable in their relationship, and he readily accepted. The only problem was that Evangeline was starting to fall for him. She'd never been a damsel in distress and didn't plan on starting now. Despite that, she allowed John to take care of her. Evangeline had always been the one taking care of others, so it was nice to have someone looking out for her when she needed it.

She had planned on meeting John later today, but she still wouldn't show up to his place uninvited. From memory, she dialed his number and started to pack up her briefcase. She smiled at the sound of his voice on the other end of the phone.

"McBain," John answered his phone without looking at the caller ID. He already knew it was Evangeline, but he put on a show for her sake. She'd call him each night and make sure that it was still okay for her to come over.

"Good evening, lieutenant." Evangeline walked toward the elevator thinking of how they should spend their evening. She missed being able to relax in her oversized bathtub. "Are you free now, or are you still at work?"

"Me? I'm free. I'm actually in my room if you want to join me, and to tempt you I've got dinner here waiting." John looked around to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. Her office was a five-minute drive away, so he had just enough time to shower before she got there.

"Sounds irresistible. I'll see you in five?" Evangeline was stepping off the elevator and waving to the security guard. It was still bright enough that she wasn't nervous at all.

"See you soon." John made sure the door was unlocked before he rushed off. He heard his phone ringing but chose to ignore it. He didn't want work to pull him away from her tonight. When he checked his phone after the shower, he saw the missed phone call was from Natalie. He rolled his eyes and wondered what was going on now.

Evangeline knocked as she pushed the door to his room open. He'd been leaving the door unlocked, but she always announced herself. "You don't know how glad I am to see you." Evangeline tossed her briefcase aside and shrugged out of her over coat. She smiled at John who looked to be fresh out of the shower and was wearing only a towel. "I'm sorry I was busy for so long."

"No worries." John made a show of silencing his phone and put it on the nightstand. Tonight, he wouldn't be putting out any fires. "I'm glad you're back." John welcomed her into his open arms and smiled. Then the thought finally occurred to him. He constantly felt a nagging sense of something whenever he was with her, but he wasn't sure of what it meant. Being with her in this moment, he finally understood. It was a sense of belonging, and not just that they were together. She made him feel comfortable in his own skin. She pushed for him to open up more, but it was only for his benefit. Now, he'd even gone as far as planning on moving into a larger place to accommodate her.

As scary as that was for John, he wasn't ready to push her away like he'd done so many others. John wouldn't say it out loud, but he would make room for her in his life. John was committed to being with her and he would take time to do things right. After all, she said they had all the time in the world.

Evangeline smiled in his arms as he started to undress her. Dinner would be nice, but this would be nice as well. She kissed him and tugged at the towel that was in her way. "No?"

John swatted her hand away and continued to undress her. "We'll get to that." When she was stripped down to just her underwear, John pulled her down onto the bed so that she was lying on top of him. He pulled the blanket that was on the side of the bed over them and held her close. "Tell me about your day." John kissed her head and rubbed her back. Sometimes he just loved to hear the sound of her voice.

Evangeline smiled brightly. They were great in bed together, but that often made Evangeline worry about John's motivations. John wasn't great at expressing himself, but he was good at surprising Evangeline. Whenever she had a long day, he'd show up with words of encouragement or he'd just be there to listen. He was thoughtful and kind. Thinking about it only confirmed what she was trying to deny. She didn't just care for John, she loved him.

So here the two of them were. Both wanting a deeper commitment from the other, but not ready to say it out loud. Their hearts were miles ahead of their brains, and they were struggling to keep up. Both of them hoped that the forces that tried to pull them apart weren't stronger than their own individual desires to stay together. Luckily, that would be something they could deal with another time. Tonight, between these four walls, John and Evangeline would be together and nothing else in the world would matter.


	8. What's Left Unsaid

_An alternate story line from what happens after Evangeline rejects John at Cristian's art show._

* * *

Two hours. That's exactly how far behind schedule John was. His brilliant idea had backfired and now he was in a rush to get to work on time. His plan was to get up early and surprise Evangeline with breakfast and an apology, but life had gotten in the way.

Before he even left the building, he was forced to intervene in a domestic dispute between some rowdy neighbors. The two men claimed that they were arguing over loaned money, but John was smarter than that. The angrier of the two was a wannabe bookie trying to collect an illegal debt. John was able to restore the peace, but he knew that wouldn't be the end of it. He took down both of their information and sent them off with a warning. He hoped that would be enough of a deterrent to keep them both in check, but, in case it wasn't, he'd have their information. At that point, he was only fifteen minutes behind schedule and still looking forward to seeing Evangeline.

After that was handled, he was stopped by a woman in need. If he had one weakness, surely this was it. He was a sucker for a damsel in distress. She started off just needing a jump, but after several long minutes it was obvious that she need a new battery entirely. Her tears moved him further to action. He gave her a couple of dollars for bus fare even though Llanview was very pedestrian friendly town. She thanked him profusely before she was on her way. Now, he was forty-five minutes behind schedule.

John checked his watch and knew if he hurried he could still get to see Evangeline before they were both consumed with work. Driving was almost always faster than walking, but John decided to walk to the diner to pick up breakfast. That had been a mistake. As he stood on the curb waiting to cross the street, a car drove through a puddle and splashed him. He was completely soaked. The driver stopped immediately and apologized profusely. John just smiled as best as he could before dismissing him.

John was not always in touch with his emotions, but he could clearly feel the rage burning inside of him. He tried to swallow his anger, but it wasn't working well. Despite his best efforts, he ended up fighting with Evangeline, and that's why he was trying to see her. She was fed up with him and he couldn't blame her. This was the second time she thwarted his advances and made him sleep alone after an argument. His compulsive desire to protect the most vulnerable people had led to his obsessive need to protect his friend, Natalie. He caused her husband's death, or at least he thought he did. The man known as Cris Vega head returned suddenly to Llanview, but he was a shell of his former self. John didn't trust him around Natalie, so he was investigating Cris with no legal basis. This had been a continued area of contention between him and Evangeline.

John's rage had distracted him. The walk back to his apartment and subsequent shower took more time than intended. He was now an hour and a half behind schedule and seeing Evangeline before work was out of the question. He grumbled as he walked down to his car. Today, he wasn't in the mood for anyone's crap. There was enough paperwork backlogged that he could probably get away with not seeing anyone for most of his shift; barring any emergencies.

When he got to his car and noticed a flat tire, he just laughed. He didn't believe in that kind of stuff, but he wondered what he'd done to piss off the universe.

* * *

"Okay, not bad." Evangeline flipped the file that she was working on shut and slid it down into her briefcase. Evangeline was currently taking advantage of being her own boss and being able to bill hours whenever she wanted. Even though she went to bed late, she was up well before her alarm. Last night, she stayed up late in an attempt to exhaust herself so that she could sleep a little later, but that didn't work as planned. She tossed and turned most of the night, but luckily she wasn't feeling as tired as she should.

Unfortunately, she was suffering from heartache. After another argument about Natalie, she sent John home alone last night, but that was a punishment for herself as well. Her relationship with John had progressed to the point that they spent most nights together; either at his place or hers. Never one to be too clingy or needy, Evangeline insisted that they spend some nights apart, but that was happening less frequently. As a matter of fact, the last time they spent the night apart had been the result of another disagreement about Natalie.

Evangeline picked up her phone an automatically started to dial his number. Then the proud voice of her mother popped into her head. She could already hear her mother's argument. "Do not chase after a man, Cookie. If he doesn't know enough to treat you right, then he doesn't deserve you." Evangeline had always lived by those words and always knew when it was time to cut a man loose. Tired of having the same fight over and over, Evangeline had to wonder when enough was enough.

Evangeline was ever the calm and rational thinker, but her relationship with John had her acting foolishly. If he was any other guy, she would have dumped him long ago. One problem that she wrestled with was that she simply didn't want to let John go. She was no stranger to relationships. There had been other men who were easily able to express their feelings for her through their words and their actions. Expressing himself was something that John couldn't or wouldn't do. John wasn't one to throw around sweet words or terms of endearment just to pacify her, and she appreciated his sincerity. She knew he cared for her but wasn't sure she would be able to hang in there long enough for him to let his walls down with her.

The other problem was that John couldn't say "I love you." The refusal was deeply rooted in loosing his father at a young age and then his fiancée, Caitlyn. Evangeline, in her infinite wisdom, decided to entertain this foolishness forgetting that she too had feelings. They agreed to ban "the L word" and it was to her benefit as well. The feelings that she had for John were scary and unfamiliar as they continued to grow close. Evangeline had always been very practical, so she had a plan for everything in her life. She'd conjured up her perfect life and her ex, Dennis, had been Mr. Right. It turned out that her dream hadn't been as desirable as the reality she was living. She broke it off with Dennis to avoid an inevitably stale marriage and then started dating just for fun. Then she met John, and the happiness that she felt when they were together was more than she ever dreamed possible.

Evangeline was packing the rest of her things when she noticed a notepad that she was writing on the night before. As if there were a mathematical formula that would make things clear to her, Evangeline had listed or tried to list all the pros and cons about her relationship with John. She had to laugh at how ridiculous she was being. She knew how she felt about John. She knew what she wanted. She knew how to get what she wanted. She just wasn't sure she was ready to accept the truth.

* * *

John finally arrived at the station…thirty minutes late. That meant Bo would come to check in on him and make sure everything was okay. Bo was nice, but he didn't cater to John's need to remain in solitude. John walked through the station with a scowl on his face. John knew from experience that he didn't have to yell and scream to let people know he was in a bad mood. A couple of uniformed officers started to greet him before noticing the dark and angry look on his face. It would only take a couple of people to spread the word to leave the lieutenant to his thoughts today.

Before he reached his office, John ran into Bo. He sighed a prepared for the incoming inquisition. "Hey, boss," John started first. He hoped this would speed the conversation up.

"Morning, John," Bo smiled politely before walking off. John shrugged, but figured Bo had other important things on his mind.

John could already tell that his day would only get worse. Just before he entered his office, he swore that he caught a faint whiff of Evangeline's perfume. He knew it was just his mind playing tricks on him. They had an argument, but it was on him. He needed to be better...to do better if he wanted to be the man that she needed.

"Hold my calls for now," John called out as he entered his office. Then, in an instant, his foul mood was brightened. Evangeline was sitting in his office with her feet kicked up on the desk. Jon tried not to smile, but he was happy to see her. Even if she was here on business, she was here for him now, and he really needed her.

"Lieutenant," she paused to make sure she had his attention, "you're late." Evangeline smiled at him and took in his appearance. He looked tired and worn down. Evangeline hated to see him like this.

"Mhm," John ran his hand through the back of his hair as a smile formed on his face. He watched while she closed her file and swung her long legs down from the desk. Then, he waited for her to close the distance between them. The last thing he needed was a rejection. He expected her to stop short, but she surprised him. She laced her hands through his hair as she pulled him into a kiss. John pilled her in close so that her body was pressed against his. "I missed you." John could only pull himself away from her for a moment.

"I missed you more." Evangeline bit his lip playfully. That they were in a public place wasn't always a deterrent for taking things further. If they were in Evangeline's office, she would have him pinned to her sofa by now.

"I'm sorry about last night. I've been a real idiot lately." John finally broke the kiss. He ran his hands through her long dark hair and stared into her soulful brown eyes. She felt too good and he was already on edge from not having her last night.

"No, shh, none of that." Evangeline kissed him again to silence him. She'd finally come to terms with what she was really feeling. She wouldn't let some silly fight ruin the moment. "I really missed you too. Come, sit." Evangeline directed him to the sofa in his office and went to retrieve the coffee and muffins that she brought from the diner.

John felt warm inside that she had the same thought as he did. John watched her moving carefully through his office and couldn't keep a smile off his face. He was always in a better mood when she was around. For John, there wasn't any denying it. He wasn't just falling for Evangeline. He was head over heels for her. The problem was that he'd made a solemn promise that he was no longer able to keep. He promised his late fiancée, Caitlyn, that he would never care for anyone as much as he cared for her. Technically, he didn't care for Evangeline as much as Caitlyn, he cared for her more. There were even thoughts of another stronger word that came to mind, but Evangeline had quickly suggested that they not used words like that. John agreed but still lamented about it.

No matter what he felt for Evangeline, he would always feel responsible for Caitlyn's death. Those feelings were part of the reason that he kept letting Natalie get in the way. John didn't feel like he deserved the happiness that Evangeline offered. Subconsciously, he was pushing Evangeline away to honor a promise to a woman who was long gone. In a few rare moments of clarity, John acknowledged that Caitlyn would want him to move on. She'd want him to be happy with Evangeline. John knew all of this but vocalizing it would be another challenge.

"Coffee, black, and a bear claw." Evangeline carefully handed him the cup and pastry then sat down beside him.

"Just what I needed." John took the food from her and they ate in comfortable silence simply enjoying being in each other's company. "So, are you in court today?" John finished his breakfast and knew his time with Evangeline was coming to a close unless he found a way to keep her around.

"No, actually. I had a meeting that was cancelled this morning, so I'm free until after lunch." Evangeline studied John's face wondering if he felt as strongly for her as she did for him. Her timing could be better, but she could no longer deny what she was feeling deep down inside. She was afraid of rejection and that's why she'd been hesitant in the past. Of course, she wanted John to return her affection, but she wouldn't hold back her feelings anymore. She needed to know where he stood.

"I know you've been putting in a lot of hours lately for Antonio on top of everything else. Must be nice to get away so early in the workday. Not that I mind." John was always playfully joking about her relatively flexible work schedule. They were both the same, workaholics. Her new lighter schedule had been for his benefit. She made extra effort to stop in and see him whenever she was in the area.

Evangeline smiled. She didn't want to get hung up on work stuff. They were both professionals, but right Antonio was the main suspect in his murder case. Shed blurred the lines in defending him, but John had done worse things coming to Natalie's defense and she wasn't even his client. There was no point in arguing about. She knew two wrongs didn't make a right.

"About this thing with Natalie," John started.

"John," Evangeline started at the same time John did.

"Sorry, you go first." John was ready to beg for her forgiveness, but if she was already over it he wouldn't force the issue.

Evangeline set her cup down and stared into John's blue eyes. "A lot has been going wrong between us lately. All this back and forth is about what's left unsaid, so I think it's time we finally cleared the air."

"Okay," John sighed. He didn't like her ominous tone. He took some relief knowing that she had been waiting on him with breakfast and a smile. She probably wasn't looking for a fight, but she was probably about to call John on what she believed to be his inappropriate behavior towards Natalie, again. "But, let me just set the record straight. I don't have any feelings for Natalie. Cris is home and I just want them to be happy together. I just want to make sure he is who he says he is, and that Natalie is safe. She's been through a lot."

"You know you can't be responsible for her happiness. Cris is back now. It's up to them to find happiness together. Your interference is only getting in the way of them really reconnecting. You know how Cris feels about you." Evangeline frowned at the look on John's face. This is the exact topic she wanted to avoid, but it was time to lay her cards on the table.

"And I have explained that to you more times than I can count. In a lot of ways, what happened to Cris is on me. He might not like it, but I'm looking out for him too." This was the one big thing they just couldn't get over. John swiped his hand down is face. He could already feel his mood starting to sour again. "Keeping people safe is what I do. It's my job."

Evangeline noted John's defensive posture and sighed. He wasn't clueless, so she couldn't understand why he wouldn't see her side on this. "Don't get defensive John. I know what the job is. Same job as about fifty other men and women in this precinct. That includes Bo, who loves Natalie, and isn't concerned in the slightest about Natalie's safety with her long-lost husband."

"I'm not being defensive. I'm being honest, and, honestly, you sound jealous." John couldn't stop himself, even though he knew better. He was frustrated by his feelings for Evangeline and not knowing what she really felt for him. She'd all but said she didn't want to love him, so why was she trying so hard to change who he was.

"Why would I be jealous? Because the man I'm with is so preoccupied with caring for another woman that he's risked his career for her? Because the man I'm with has taken it as his responsibility to be that same woman's guardian? Because whenever she's in trouble I know that I'm expected to understand while he leaves my side to go to hers?" Evangeline could give as good as she could take, but she still felt the sting of his words. She held back the tears that threatened to fall.

"Is this why you came here? Just to bust my balls about her again." John snatched up the trash and walked it over to the can. He couldn't stand the pained look on her face that mirrored what he felt deep down inside.

"You brought this up, John." Evangeline quickly swiped away a tear while his back was turned. "I came here because I wanted to fix this. Fix us. But, as usual, Natalie is on your mind." Evangeline waited for his retort but didn't get one. He paced a little before finally returning to her side with a heavy sigh.

"Fine. You're right." John looked at her stoically. "You wanted to clear the air. I'm listening." He see the tears in her eyes and felt like an ass. She deserved better than him, and no one could convince him otherwise.

"Damn you, John McBain." Evangeline could no longer look him in the eyes. This wasn't at all how she expected things to go. Half of her wanted to just turn tail and run, but the other half wanted to stay and fight. "I came here to be honest with you and tell you how I really feel. All this fighting hasn't been one sided. I share in the blame because I've been trying to convince myself that we are just a temporary thing. I don't push you to commit, because I'm scared."

"Oh really," John hadn't intended to sound as snarky and surprised as he did. Evangeline had pushed for them to be exclusive and later for them to further define their relationship. They clearly had different views on commitment. "I am committed to you, Evangeline, and no one else."

"That's a lie, John, and you know it. There's your work, your family...your friends," Evangeline paused for effect. John was a loner who didn't really have friends, except for Natalie. "As much as it pisses me off, I understand, John. I really do."

"So, clue me in." John leaned back against the sofa with his hands behind his head. He stared at this woman that he really wanted to be with and couldn't understand why he was fighting so hard against her. She wasn't wrong. She rarely ever was.

"You are just as scared as I am. Why wouldn't you be? We're this totally unlikely pair, but we fit so well together. In my wildest dreams, I never would have put us together." Evangeline put her hand on his leg gently. "For so long, I was chasing this dream of what I wanted my life to be. Then, I got tired of running. That's when I met you, and I started to question everything I thought I wanted in life. Now, he we are, and, despite everything, I'm happier than I ever thought possible. When we're not together, I think of you. At the end of the day, I can't wait to be with you. I'm not scared, anymore, of what I feel for you. I'm scared about what you might not feel for me."

"You are the woman I want to be with." John still wasn't able to vocalize his feelings better than that. "I know I can work on showing that better, but I am trying. I'm trying because I want this." John leaned in and kissed her tenderly.

Evangeline pulled away before the kiss intensified. She could feel John's frustration. She took his hands in hers and looked him in the eyes. "I said some stupid things, because I thought it would protect me from getting my heart broken. I put up these walls to keep you out. I wanted to be this tough girl, you know. Now, it's too late for that. I can't run from what I'm feeling anymore." John pulled his hand from hers and stroked her face. "John, I'm in love with you."

"Hey, John, I need to talk to you." Natalie burst in suddenly. She observed the intimate scene and felt no guilt for interrupting.

Evangeline rolled her eyes at Natalie's timing. In the past, she'd pushed John to help Natalie to prove that she wasn't jealous. That had backfired because Natalie was always in trouble. This time, she would keep her mouth shut. Though, it would clarify some things. If John left her to tend to Natalie's issue, she would know exactly what that meant for their relationship.

"This isn't a good time." John spoke to Natalie, but he kept his eyes trained on Evangeline. John heard Evangeline's words, but they didn't quite register. He was still holding his breath. He was waiting for a 'but' that never came. He could feel his own tears that he was now holding back.

"John, it's about Cris. You were right, okay? Something is wrong with him." Natalie was annoyed that Evangeline was still holding John's attention. Something had changed, but she wasn't sure what it was.

Natalie's continued presence eventually brought John back to reality. He looked between Natalie and Evangeline and knew he needed to draw a line in the sand once and for all. "He in trouble or did he do something? Do you think he's an immediate threat to himself or someone else?"

"Not that I know of. He's just been acting strange. I'm really scared for him, John. I can't lose him again." At John's insistence, Natalie had come to him about Cris's problems. That was making matters worse since Cristian didn't like John's relationship with his wife.

John took Evangeline's hand in his and squeezed it gently. Her speech from before about jealousy played again in the back of his mind. "Look, if he's not an immediate threat, there's not going to be much I can do. We can talk about it later, but now isn't the time." He directed his attention back to Evangeline. She was looking at him skeptically.

"I'm only here because you were so worried about me being with Cris, and now that I'm here you're blowing me off." It really hadn't taken a lot for Natalie to betray her husband's trust. She had feelings for John, and they didn't go away just because Cris came back. "Evangeline, maybe you can help me then." She tried to use a low-down trick to get John to cooperate.

Evangeline smirked. Natalie's attempt to manipulate the situation had been further proof of how poorly both she and John had handled Natalie and her problems. "I don't think it's appropriate for me to interfere in your marriage. If this is really something serious, you should talk to Bo." Evangeline looked over at John to read his reaction. She couldn't quite interpret the look on his face.

"Uncle Bo?" Natalie sounded confused and offended.

"He should be in his office." John looked at her one final time to dismiss her.

"You know what? Fine. I won't ask for your help again." Natalie stormed out and slammed the door behind her.

Normally, this is where Evangeline would recognize that Natalie was in trouble and that John would just worry about her if he couldn't run to her side. For the first time, John wasn't falling over himself to help her, so she would just leave it alone.

John looked at the door for a moment before returning his attention to Evangeline. "About what you said before. To me, you know, it's amazing that someone like you could ever fall for someone like me." John finally found his own words. He stroked her face again and wished they were in a private setting. "I never would have put us together either, but I'm happy that we're together. Maybe I'm not as good with the words as you, but there's no one I want to be with more than you."

Evangeline smiled wide. She didn't expect that he would be able to say the same so easily, but he took an important step in the right direction. He stayed with her instead of running off with Natalie. "I just wanted you to know how I feel."

John nodded and kissed her again. "Right now, I want to take you home so that I can show you how I feel."

Evangeline felt warm all over. They had never had a hard time connecting physically. "You sure you're not going to be needed around here?"

John shrugged. He easily put in sixty hours a week and frequently covered for others. He wouldn't feel guilty for slipping away so shortly after arriving. He'd make the time up later. He slid his hand between her legs and stopped short of touching her intimately. "Right now, I'm needed elsewhere. Besides, I think the LPD can handle a few hours without me." John kissed her quickly to make sure she wouldn't question him any further.

Evangeline's admission wasn't a cure-all that would fix all the problems between them, but it was an important step in the right direction. Now that John knew how she really felt, he wouldn't keep holding himself back. He would give her all that he was. Hopefully, that would be enough to keep her happy.

"Then we'd better get going, lieutenant." She spoke in a low whisper. Then, she took him by the hand to lead him out of the station. For now, everything was perfect in her world, but she knew it wouldn't be that way always. John was the man that she wanted, and she was willing to fight to keep him.


End file.
